Ring out the Old

This is one of a handful of new projects I’ve decided to take on for the new year. A weekly, online journal. I want it to be expressionistic, authentic and done without making things too precious. I have a google drive of partially completed essays, and I want to do something where I can express, in writing, thoughts that matter to me, without waiting for them to be perfect. I have a feeling I will find a manner of perfection by approaching the project in this way.

It’s literally the first day of 2023 and yet I already have a feeling of how quickly this will become the past. 2022 was a full year for me. After a few years of what could most generously be called “monastic contemplation” but felt more like confused inaction (lots of puttering about in sweatpants). I determined 2022 would be “the year of accomplishment” and it was a prophecy that mostly came true.

I completed the 9-month Circle Anywhere Level-Up training and received my certification as a Focus Circling facilitator. As part of this I attended 3, four-day Circling immersions in Austin, TX all of which were mind-blowing in their own way. Hard to express how big that experience has been. There is such a huge amount of self development that can only be done within social contexts and Ijumped into the deep-end of that pool head-first. It has been as dramatically transformative as any formal meditation work I’ve done, and the more I practice, the more the lines between the two practices blur. The most important perceptual shift I experienced since my retreat of 2019 happened during my first Circling immersion of 2022. It was the sort of thing that people usually report happening on a meditation retreat, for what that is worth.

I also completed my 3rd meditation retreat (the others happened in previous years), a weeklong solo/virtual retreat. This ended up being the most challenging retreat I had done up to that point, but sometimes that is what you have to work through. I completed this retreat about a week before my first Circling immersion, so the shift I experienced at the immersion was certainly accelerated by the work I did on retreat. I remember my meditation teacher remarking afterwards that I had done 3 months of work in a week’s time. I finished up 2022 with 205.89 hours of meditation. Not as much as I had done the previous two years, but still a substantial amount. If you consider all of Circling training as meditation, it more than makes up for the difference.

This year I also initiated a project that would come to be called “The Square”. The initial intent was to open a coworking space where I could make art and do developmental practices with like minded people. It ended up mostly involving a lot of community organizing. The idea being that you have to find people that want to get together before you offer them a space.

This was a massive learning experience. According to my records, I organized about 65 online and in-person events this year. This was mostly made up of weekly sessions for meditation and Circling, and meetups with former members of Avrec Art House, but I also co-organized a block party with some neighbors.

Again, this put the social self to the test, and I found myself in numerous situations far outside of my social comfort zone. There was lots of trial and error that helped me to refine what it was I was looking for from the Square and was a great lesson in decision making, failing fast and figuring out what leadership means to me.

As part of the project I attended events hosted by other communities and discovered some amazing friendships and invaluable partnerships as well.

As part of the Square project, I also started a business and started charging money for things, which feels like a huge accomplishment for myself (much more to learn there).

To round everything off, I was promoted to blue belt in Jiu-Jitsu and competed in my first tournament (small bracket, so it was basically a best 2 out of 3 with one other dude). Finding more and more how Jiu-Jitsu is just another part of my developmental practice portfolio. As my coach has said before, “you’re gonna learn things about yourself, you may not want to see.” (something like that). It’s a place and a practice where I stretch myself. Again, the social self is put to the test there, but it is also a place where I have practiced face-to-face with anxiety and fear over and over again.

The tournament and the preparation I did beforehand was a big part of that. I was really happy with how I prepared. I lost about 10 pounds to make weight and discovered that the way I was eating to do so actually made me feel really good (still need to implement those dietary lessons).

I used it as an opportunity to bring awareness to my anxiety and to see more clearly and deeply all of the complex desires, values and emotions tied up therein. My meditation teacher gave me some fantastic exercises that became second nature the more I worked with them. They revealed that underneath the anxiety was an excitement and desire to do something difficult with confidence.

I fully accomplished that when it came time for the competition. I went in with the best mindset I could possibly imagine. Fully confident that I could win, and willing to find the way to make it happen. In the end I lost all my matches, but the mindset was still there. If there had been a way to win I would have found it, and I was happy with my performance. I did something difficult and found a type of meta-happiness present during the entire experience. There was no waiting for it to be over, but a sincere savoring of the entire experience from beginning to end. The moments of pleasant anticipation vs. unpleasant anxiety were about 10 to 1, at least. I’ll be competing again.

If I were to identify a theme for this year, I would say it would be finding meaning and enjoyment in challenge and difficulty. With every uncomfortable, embarrassing or disappointing experience there was a sense of growth. I no longer feel like there is such a thing as backsliding, failure or grinning and bearing it. Every new experience is an opportunity to learn something about myself. Every frustration is a chance to see that there are other possibilities. Every road a path to God.

The other theme has been the discovery of friendship. 2022 has been full of the discovery, rediscovery and the deepening of friendships. Most of this is due to my readiness to find friendship at a level that I was not really open to previously. Circling has been amazing in this regard. 2022 has been full of deep, satisfying intimacy with a galaxy of beautiful people. The dragon of loneliness has been vanquished and I feel as if things will only get better. I feel like love is continuing to expand, and I’m finding an increasing capacity to love universally. I found an earwig climbing on our wall the other day and I tried to coax it onto my finger. I wasn’t interested in my invitation, but I was surprised by the feelings of care and tenderness I had for a thing that would have been revolting to me in the past. I probably still wouldn’t want one dumped down the back of my shirt.

The fullness of 2022 now sits like a corpulent Cheshire Cat, staring expectantly at 2023. There is a bit of a feeling like I need to give an answer to the cat. Considering what 2022 has been, what is my intention for 2023?

I don’t feel the same drive towards accomplishment, but I expect there will be more of the same. More doing of things, more milestones, and more friendship. I’m feeling drawn to telling stories again. That’s new for 2023. What would happen if I made a commitment to doing so?

More opening, more creation, more discovery, more love. Hard times of one kind or another? At some point, inevitably, eventually, of course. But I feel more prepared for what is to come than I ever have before.

Onward.